Category Archives: Characters

The Scratchman

The Scratchman

[Tune: The Policeman’s song – A Sullivan]

When the dedicated golfer’s not a-golfing, not a-golfing,
When the scratchman isn’t honing up his swing, up his swing,
He loves to watch the Pros upon the tele, on the tele,
And see their many birdies dropping in, dropping in.

When he isn’t busy practising his putting, -sing his putting,
Or chipping all his chip shots to the green, to the green,
He loves to join the Golf Club’s Seniors playing, Seniors playing,
And to contemplate the humour of the scene, O-ho…
He loves to join the Golf Club’s Seniors playing, Seniors playing,
And to contemplate the humour of the scene, of the scene.

Oh My Profess’nal

Oh! My Profess’nal, What Can I Do?

[Tune: Oh! Mr Porter, what can I do? – G Le Brunn]

Oh my Profess’nal, what can I do?
I wanted to hit a soaring drive
But o’er the hedge it flew.
Take me to your teaching bay
And show me what to do
Oh, dear Profess’nal, I entirely trust in you.

Oh my Profess’nal, what can I do?
I tried to play around the tree
And broke my club in two
Have you got another?
Please show me one or two.
Oh dear Profess’nal, I see you’ve quite a few.

Oh my Profess’nal, my putting’s up the spout.
I can’t tell if I’ve moved my head
Or hit it inside out.
It’s not for want of trying,
I’ve practised many hours.
Oh dear Profess’nal, can you sell me magic powers?

Look a Golfer

I Just Want to Look a Golfer

[Tune: I don’t want to join the army – Traditional]

I just want to look a golfer.
I just want to look the part.
I’ve learnt the etiquette
From the rule book that you get,
When you join as a beginner at your local golf club.
I want to seem to be a golfer.
From proper golfing dress I won’t depart.
I’ve a new electric trolley,
Bracket for my brolly,
And my shoes resemble modern works of art.

I want to seem to be a golfer,
Who looks like he could play.
I’ve bought a set of clubs,
Paid up all my subs.
All I need to do now is to hit the greens and fairways.
I try to appear to be a golfer.
I know it’s not an easy game to play,
But ‘ere my life I leave
I’d love to believe,
There’s just a chance of reaching scratch one day.

I don't want
Music from, licence Creative Commons Attribute 3.0

The Waggle

Sam Snead on the Waggle:

As you take your stance, you can warm up your motor with a few “waggles”. Instead of starting your club from a dead stop, keep your hands in motion and move the club slowly back and forth above the ball and along the line of flight. This will eliminate tension. It will give you a feel of the clubhead.

[Sam Snead on Golf; Nicholas Kaye, 1961, p.22]

Messing about with his waggle

[Tune: Messing about on the river – A Hatch]

We’re stood on the tee,
Him and us three,
While he’s messing about with his waggle.

He says it’s the thing
To start off the swing,
You line up your feet and then waggle.

He’s been reading this book by some old-fashioned pro,
“The Way to Par Golf in 8 Secrets or So”.
It says in this book that to make the swing flow,
You take up your stance and then waggle.

He takes up his stance,
Falls into a trance,
‘fore messing about with his waggle.

“We ain’t got all day,
We all want to play”,
Still he’s messing about with his waggle.

We teed off at eight but by hole number ten,
[slow] He’s scoring so well that we dare not complain…[pause]
So we say “What the Hell if we’re late home again,”
We’re all culti-va-ting our waggle!

Our Greenkeeper

Our Greenkeeper, He Set Out

[Tune: Good King Wenceslas – Traditional]

Our Greenkeeper, he set out
To improve this golf course
With dumper truck and JCB,
He’s faster still than Groundforce.
Even as you count to three
The greenkeepers together
Raised two fairways three-foot-three
In the fine, dry we-e-eather.

“What is lacking,” then quoth he,
“To help them with their short game?”
“A chipping green is what they need,”
Helpfully the thought came.
Turn your back and count to three,
There it is appearing –
No excuses now for me
That is what I’m fear-ear-ing.

Testing tee-shots were too few
“Find some longer carries.”
Four, six, twelve and thirteenth tees
Further back, the plan is.
Fearsome tee-shots face us now
As we sole our drivers.
If I bet against success,
I’d win many fi-i-vers.

The Captain’s Lament

The Captain’s Lament

[Tune: Men of Harlech – Traditional]

Please, dear golfer please don’t bore me
With that stale and oft-told story,
How the 4-ball just before ye
Caused the whole delay.

All you golfers pull together,
Just enjoy this lousy weather.
Give this round your best endeavour.
Don’t hold up the play.

If you hit an air-shot,
Play an ‘It went where?’ shot,
Through the green don’t make a scene,
Keep swearwords out of earshot.

Golf will always test your spirit,
Try your patience to the limit,
Keep your head – you yet may win it-
This may be your day.

Golfer Trophy Small 2

The Guy Who Found The Lost Ball

The Guy who found the Lost Ball

[Tune: Come on let’s celebrate – Jimmy Durante]

Come on let’s celebrate,
‘cos I’m feeling great,
I’m the guy who found the lost ball.

No, no, please don’t wait.
I won’t make us late.
I’m just poking round for lost balls.

It won’t take me hours,
I’ve got psychic powers,
When I’m hunting down your lost ball.

The Golf Referee

Harry Fulford on the rules:

Every golfer should know the rules. But every golfer does not know them, and I would be safe in betting that if I could set an examination paper before the members of any given club not 50 per cent. would gain full marks.

[Harry Fulford: Potted Golf; Dalross Ltd,1910, p.97]

The Golf Referee

[Tune: The Major-General’s song; Pirates of Penzance – A Sullivan]

He drives round in his buggy laden with paraphernalia.
He’s cruised the tees and fairways from the UK to Australia.
He carries copies of the rules and book of the Decis-i-ons
Which comes complete with diagrams and all of its revis-i-ons.
His opinion on golf etiquette’s the utmost in propriety
And offered without charge of course to every golf society.
He can recite the rules of golf without a single fail-i-ure (pause for rhyme)
And he’s dressed up in his blazer with its R&A regalia.
He identifies disturbances by animals when burrowing
Can distinguish them from ground that’s simply undulate or furrowing;
He’s an expert on obstruct-i-ons and if they’re atific-i-al;
His rulings on the line of sight he gives with stylish ritual.
He tells you when to place the ball or if you should be dropping it,
And what to do if there should be a bunker rake that’s stopping it.
His judgements are all given with complete impartialit-ee, (pause for rhyme)
He is the very model of a modern golfing referee.

The Song of the Golfer’s Wife

The Song of the Golfer’s Wife

[Tune: When I first put this uniform on; Patience – A Sullivan]

When he first put his golfing shoes on
I thought to myself with a smile,
It’s a phase, it’s a fad,
It won’t be so bad,
He’s sure to give up in a while.
That’s a fact that I’d counted upon
When he first put his golfing shoes on.

When he first put a golfing glove on
He did it with flair and panache
You could see his face glow
As he made quite a show
And he thought not a fig for the cash.
A fact I’d not counted upon
When he first put a golfing glove on.

When he first did a round in net par
You could see how it went to his head
He talked all the day
’bout the shots you should play,
And he practised his putting in bed.
And that’s NOT what I’d counted upon
Since he’d first put his golfing shoes on.

God Where’s My Ball

God, where’s my ball

[Tune: God save the King – Traditional]

Can’t find my brand new ball.
Should be no troubl-at-all.
I saw it fall!
I struck it well enough.
It just crept in the rough.
Why don’t they cut this stuff?
God, where’s my ball?